A Moment Of Truth
by NiGhT-sTaLkEr13
Summary: A short fic on how Megatron is coping post-war. Contains psychological themes, suicidal thoughts.


A Moment Of Truth.

Characters: Megatron, Shockwave.

With fingers clenching, Megatron's optics dimmed as he sat alone, the steel cold in his hands. Too many thoughts raced through his head. He had just broadcasted the message across the stars for every Decepticon soldier of his to fall back, and that the war was no longer a need to fight for. 'It's a lost cause,' he had said, knowing all too well that he had lost long ago. Not just the war, but himself, too.  
'Any who disobey will be punished severely,' he remembered in his head as he had spoken into the machine, the message pulsing across as far as it could reach. He knew it wasn't that easy, though. They would be after him. Someone, at least. He may have many followers, but he had many enemies, too. He was surprised so many fell when he had, but he gathered many of them were happy to lead regular lives once more. But he knew others would hold grudges. It was just a matter of time before someone was going to be against him, trying to kill him for what he had done to two worlds.  
His head was sore, and his systems were weak, but he knew he had to get the broadcast out as soon as possible, and it couldn't wait until he was feeling better from the operation he had had to 'heal' him.  
Still, there was something in the back of his mind, telling him that nothing was worth the fight anymore. Maybe it was the drugs talking, and the fact that he was just so drained right now. But he'd reached the stage where he just wanted to slip away into nothing. Who was there to stay for? What did he have to go back to? Nothing.  
He had been locked away for stellar-cycles, and the war had made him free. And yet, it had made him a prisoner to his own insanity, as well. But he was free again now. But for what? He wasn't like the others. He wasn't like Optimus Prime who fed off sentimental bullshit from others. He despised how they lived… and he also envied their ways of being so compassionate.  
He was a sinner. A horrid sinner who had committed the worst of crimes. Murder and rape were just the easy things. But all the blood on his hands? He had killed so many innocent lives just out of pure rage. He had even killed sparklings. Not on purpose, of course, but if something was in his way of power… well, nothing came out alive. His existence was proof of that. Primus, in the end, he had killed the one that he had loved. He didn't deserve to live anymore.  
How was someone like him supposed to lead a normal life? He couldn't. Everyone knew him. His name was feared throughout what was left of Cybertron, and who knew how far out in the galaxies. At one point, he thrived off his name being known, and feared. But now? All he could feel was his skeletal structure shaking beneath his armour.  
Cocking the hammer, he tightened his jaw, his head throbbing from the post-surgery, not to mention the thousands of thoughts that were racing through his mind. It was easy, right? All he had to do was pull the trigger. But then when they found him, they might think he was weak. He gave up the fight. And something inside him didn't want to give them that satisfaction. But then everything else was telling him to do it. Why not? Why stay? Who have you got to stay for? No one! Nothing!  
Clenching his optics, he brought it up to the side of his helm, situated against where his temple would be. _Come on, you weak fuck! Pull it!_ he ordered himself, his breathing going hard. _You were so strong, but now you're nothing! You had everything in the palm of your hands! Everyone at your pedes! But now what? What have you got to lose? You've already lost everything!_  
Swallowing hard, he let his left hand grip the pistol tighter, off-lining his optics. He was sick. He was done for. And when they found him, why should he care? He'd be dead! He wouldn't be here to see the aftermath, so why did it really matter?  
Letting his finger squeeze the trigger lightly, he flinched when he felt the gun being pressed down and lowered, his optics looking up in surprise. His frame was shaking, and he certainly wasn't expecting anyone to come in here. Not in the middle of this.

"I'd rather you didn't," said a soft voice, Shockwave looking down to his former leader as he was seated on the berth inside the otherwise empty room. He took the pistol into his hand, unloaded it and threw it on the floor, crushing it under his pede just to make sure Megatron wouldn't make another attempt.

"Shockwave… what are you doing here?" asked the silver mech, placing his hands against the berth, the bandage around his helm seeming to go tight as he tensed. Admittedly, this was a little awkward. He didn't quite know how to act. Plus, this mech was a soldier of his, it was a little out of line for Shockwave to up and say something crude.

Crouching down, Shockwave's antennae fell back as he looked up to his beloved former master. "You were gone from your hospital berth, so I went looking for you. I'd say it was a lucky find considering what you were about to go through with," he said, his hand on the floor to steady himself as his gun arm was in his lap. He didn't wish to seem like he was putting Megatron in a submissive state by standing over him as he was seated.

Megatron's optics looked away from his former commander. "It doesn't matter," he murmured, shaking his head. "Get out of here, I don't need you sympathising over me," he stated, his optics still turned away from the mech. He didn't wish to be snappy with the mech, actually, he respected Shockwave a lot more than he probably respected anyone else. He only had few soldiers who he truly respected, and Shockwave was on the top of that list. But still, he didn't want sympathy from anyone. Nor did he want anyone with him at a time so dark.

Lowering his head, Shockwave had figured Megatron wouldn't be happy about being stopped, or from someone walking in on him about to take his life. He certainly didn't wish Megatron to feel more weak than he already felt.  
"My apologies, Megatron…" he said softly, pushing himself to his pedes. "I am merely a humble servant as you are, but I believe everybody has a reason to continue living. I've seen too many die from the passing war, to lose another would be… spark-breaking," he admitted, his antennae falling back as his spark ached to see the former warlord like this. Not just because he knew he could be so much stronger, but because the thought of the mech taking his life broke his spark in two. He wished Megatron would just let him be there for him…

Looking up, Megatron's lips parted before he shook his head once more, this time standing. "What if there is nothing left?" he asked, folding his arms. "What do you have to return to, Shockwave? What drives you to continue? Can't you see that I have nothing to what I had just a few Earth weeks ago?" he asked, his voice raising an octave.

"I understand things aren't what you wished for them to be," said Shockwave, not wishing to overstep the boundary of his once leader, "but deep down, there is always something worth fighting for. My drive is to see you get better," he admitted, though feeling his systems flush as he said so. Primus, if Megatron found out about his feelings, he'd be screwed. Not to mention spark-broken from rejection.

Looking to the mech, Megatron frowned. "I am no longer your leader, Shockwave," he stated. "You don't take my orders. You are a free mech. Why stay here? Why care for me? I don't understand your intentions…" he said, his optics narrowing. "If you are looking for someone to order you around, I am not that mech… I respect you too much to make you my pet."

But how the former Guardian wished he could be his pet. Or at least mean anything to the former leader. Any form of affection he welcomed more than Megatron could even imagine. Still, he wasn't about to sputter his feelings for the mech.  
Instead, he stayed silent, not exactly knowing what to say. If he came out and told Megatron the real reason to him sticking around (being his blind hope in the mech actually feeling back for him), he was positive it would just strain the mech's already sore head. And he didn't want to do that.

Waiting for an answer, Megatron frowned when he didn't get one. "Even you don't know why," he said, sitting back down on the edge of the berth. "You have a life to lead, Shockwave, don't waste it hanging around me. It's not worth it anymore. I can't give you what you wanted in war," he breathed, lowering his optics.

Feeling his gut tighten, Shockwave vented an almost non-existent sigh, low enough so Megatron couldn't catch it. And he sat beside the mech on the berth. "Forgive me, Megatron, but I wish to stay with you. Not because I have nowhere else to go, but because I care for you, as any soldier should for their commander, or… friend," he pushed. "I wish to see you get well. I simply cannot leave knowing you are in such distress, and mere inches away from taking your life. I… cannot have that. My spark won't allow it."  
Inside, his spark was tight, praying that Megatron wouldn't get angry with him, or questions his feelings once more. How he wanted to scream the fact that he had fallen for his leader, but in such a state? He just couldn't. Hopefully Megatron would just leave it like that.

Turning his optics, Megatron looked to the violet mech, giving him a questioning look. Through the time Shockwave had returned to him, he had felt something… strange around the both of them. Some sort of aura that he couldn't explain. But, at the same time, it was a nice feeling. It was good to know that someone at least cared for his wellbeing, and not just because he was their leader.  
"Shockwave," he murmured, turning away as his head began to pound once more the more he thought about it. "H-have you ever… felt _strange_ around someone else?" he asked, placing a hand to the side of his throbbing head.

Flicking an antenna back, Shockwave's optic brightened in question. "You will have to elaborate, Megatron. There are many emotions one can undergo when around another," he stated, his hand going to his lap.

Thinking for a moment, the former warlord looked across the room. Surely it was nothing. It had to have been the operation or something. Or the medication. Or maybe it was just the fact that he was trying to find some kind of reason to actually stay on this damn rock.  
"Never mind, it's probably nothing," he commented back, giving a small frown. Turning to the former Guardian, he gave him a thankful look. "But nonetheless, you've given me something to think about, and maybe something worth living for. It's hard for me to see a positive right now, but I'm sure in time, maybe after these effects from the operation have worn off, I will find something. For now, I want to thank you. I didn't ask for you to be here, or to stop me, but I'm thankful that you are here beside me. I'm not a very sentimental mech when it comes to this kind of shit, but I'm sure you know this already…"

Shockwave gave a light chuckle at that, but he felt his systems lift at Megatron contemplating other options. If he had it his way, he would be on his knees begging for the mech to not give up, but he didn't wish for that stress to be on his former leader, that and it would be rather awkward for the both of them. He cared deeply for Megatron, but he knew his limits. Even though his spark desired so much more, he could pull himself back, for the sake of the mech he loved. He could wait. He _would_ wait for eternity if it took that long. Just to see the mech happy.

Standing, Megatron placed his hand on Shockwave's shoulder, the mech looking up at him. "I'm sorry you walked in on that… I… I don't know if I would have pulled the trigger in the end or not. But either way, thank you for stopping me," he said, giving the smallest of smiles. "Next time I feel the urge to destroy myself, I'll remember that I have at least someone who is willing to stop me. And for that, I respect you only more. And I… consider you a friend," he stated, feeling a little awkward at admitting to the mech that he liked him. "You've saved me… more than you know, Shockwave."

Feeling Megatron's hand leave his body, Shockwave reached out to take the mech's dark palm, Megatron turning back. For a moment, he froze, not knowing what to do. His systems skipped as those dark optics looked into his single one with a questioning gaze.  
"I…" he started, though letting go of the mech. "If you ever need anyone to talk to, Megatron, I am here. I would never judge you, nor would I wish to harm you. I am more than grateful that you consider me a friend, and I want you to know that letting your pain out isn't a weakness. It will make you stronger in the long run. I am always willing to listen and help you through such a dark time. I just hope that that means something to you," he said, his head lowering.

With his hand still out, Megatron's optics softened at the compassion in the mech's voice. He had heard the voices of doctors, liars and cheats all his life. But Shockwave's? It was… refreshing. True. Honest. Everything that he simply wanted to hear—needed to hear in such a delicate position.  
Placing his fingers beneath Shockwave's chin, he lifted it, giving him a light smile. "I would never usually allow someone into my personal thoughts, but with you, I feel I can be myself. I'll hold you to your word, Shockwave, and next time I feel the need to talk to someone, I know who I can depend on. You are more important to me than you realise," he said, feeling his spark tighten a little as he said that, making him take his hand back.

For a moment, all Shockwave could feel and hear was his spark thumping hard against his audios. But when Megatron's hand left him, his antennae fell back. "Is something wrong?" he asked, Megatron seeming rather awkward.

"It's nothing," said the former tyrant, clearing his throat. "I think my systems are just toying with my processor. I should head back to the hospital wing," he murmured, rubbing the side of his helm once more.

"Do you need assistance?" asked the violet mech, standing to his pedes.

Putting his hand up, Megatron gave a light laugh. "No, no, I'm quite alright," he stated. "Thank you for your concern, though. And thank you once more, Shockwave, I'll make sure to take you up on your offer later on."

Watching as the mech left the room, Shockwave stood for longer than he needed to, looking to where Megatron had been moments ago. He vented a soft sigh before crouching down and sweeping up the parts of broken steel against the floor. He would have to keep a better eye out on the mech next time. His heartstrings were already tight in worry, but the more he spent time with Megatron, he knew the more the mech would recover. And he only wished to see him happy once more. Any means necessary.

**Author's Comment:**

_Something that I've been wanting to write for a while._

_I wanted to express how dark Megatron's thoughts were just after his operation, but not just that, but how hard life for him has become considering he had had everything in the palm of his hands. I also wanted to explore the depths of suicidal thoughts. _

_In such dark parts of our lives, we have so many internal debates and our minds just won't let it go out with a bang. We think on all the consequences, we ask ourselves why? Why continue? What for? Would anyone care if we committed suicide? Suicidal thoughts are usually always pointed towards one's self hatred and loathing as well, like Megatron believing he's weak and pathetic. _

_Suicide is something I feel people use as some kind of cheat, and I hate people yelling and showcasing how much they've tried to commit suicide. Suicide isn't a joke, and unfortunately, some people are making suicide out to be some kind of pathetic way to get attention. Especially all those emo people who say it on their front pages._

_Truth be told, people who consider suicide usually don't wish for people to know. Megatron's reaction was a mix. We don't want people to see us as weak. Instead, we play it off until the person is gone, and then we fall back down again. Luckily, we know Megatron makes it through this dark stage, and he truly has Shockwave to thank for that. However, I have a feeling his time during this small snippet would be filled with questions and self-loathing, suicidal thoughts unlike the present time in my fics._

_Anyway, now that that's out of the way, I hope it explains a little?_

_All characters are G1/IDW based._


End file.
